ME: I write this blog. I am its boss. Since I am the boss, I get to mock my family and all they can do is make my life miserable about it. It's a wonderful arrangement.

DANI: She is a scientist! She runs a lab. She is the boss of viruses. She's smarter than you but doesn't know how to buy toilet paper and batteries. She thinks they just appear magically in the house. She bakes an excellent pie. She's my best friend.

THE EX: I won't name him publicly because it's embarrassing to be associated with us. We were together for over ten years and are the fathers of two ridiculous children. He also lives across the street from Dani and I, in a house that is owned by my parents. He speaks to my mom more than I do. YES IT IS WEIRD. I'm not entirely sure why we still get along, since I irritate him probably more than any other living person.

IVY: My eight-year-old daughter. She is highly gifted in art, but crazier than a tree full of screeching monkeys. I love her so much, but she is the most frustrating individual. She thinks it's fine to ride bikes with no brakes, and thinks you can catch ghosts with rubbermaid bins. She's terrified of fairies. She makes me so tired.

KAI: My five-year-old daughter. She is amazing at math. She usually is covered in filth. Her favorite joke is simply the word "butt." She once stole an entire porkchop and hid under the kitchen table and ate it like an animal.

THE ROOMMATE: This guy used to be my boss. Then my ex moved out several years ago, and he moved in. This is despite knowing what my kids were like. He is really the best kind of roommate you could ask for. He always pays his bills, has a lizard for a pet, and sometimes you forget he even lives here because he never leaves his room. Sometimes I think he enters and exits the house through his window.

RANGER: This dog is my arch nemesis. He is a full-blooded, no-brained red-and-white basset hound of astounding stupidity. He barks at everything. The sky. The ground. Electrical outlets. Into the water of the pond. At the carpet. At his own ass. He also will eat anything that hits the floor. Including marbles, the grass collection bag from the lawnmower, and a big pile of silly bands. He is Dani's dog, and she thinks he is the most BEAUTIFUL and WONDERFUL creature on the planet.

HARLEY: Dani's other dog. He is the most grotesquely fat beagle-basset mix I've ever seen. He trots like a pig. It's amazing to behold.

ASH: My dog. He is a border collie mix. He is gorgeous, with a long nose and slender legs like a deer. He is so smart that he should be writing this blog. He is desperate to please us, and knows how to give high-fives. He is also a bit frightening and a great guard dog.